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Judas Priest: Nostradamus

24/06/08 || Euthanatos

After a lackluster attempt of revitalizing themselves since the Ripper fiasco, Judas Priest return tackling Nostradamus, the soothsayer so many are fascinated with. They’re about five years late, but hey, it’s the music that matters, so hopefully this will be a step up from “Angel of Retribution”, which had some good ideas in it, but didn’t quite deliver. To be fair and balanced, just like Fox News, I’m going to do a track by track analysis. That’s right, I’m going to comment on all of 23 tracks on this baby. I’m feeling dangerous.

Useless intro, over 2 minutes long. God damn it, these bands are wasting away the few years I have left. First real song is “Prophecy”. Has an interesting riff throughout and is pretty repetitive, more on the slower side than the fast Painkiller/Stained Class we’re more used to. “Awakening” comes next, it’s a nice acoustic passage, Halford really shines in these, but it’s absurdly short.

“Revelations”, which is not the Iron Maiden song, follows. It has all the trademark characteristics of what one would label “epic”, but it’s not really. The problem with this song is that in more than 7 minutes, there really isn’t anything interesting to keep your attention to wondering, say, if Rob Halford prefers to give or receive, what to do on Sunday, is the new Hulk movie any better than that Ang Lee crap, so on. And for something that’s supposed to be fucking epic, these keyboards didn’t convince me at all. There are some good solos, though.

“The Four Horsemen”, which is not that Metallica song, is another short passage, a minute and a half-long. Sounds cool, but once again, too damn short. These guys can’t seem to get it just right. Their good ideas are fleeting, their crappy songs are too damn long.

“War”. That’s a good track name. I’m thinking this track isn’t really all that good, but I suddenly realize what the hell Judas Priest is trying to pull off here. I mean, I probably read it somewhere and I should have seen it coming, but I was foolishly expecting just another album, hopefully better than “Angel of Retribution”, but no. This concept they decided to pursue isn’t just a story to bind the songs, they really wanted to go all out and make a rock-opera out of it. Well, fuck that, I don’t want to hear a Judas Priest rock opera, I want some god damn metal blasting my ear drums until they bleed. That may sound like an ignorant asshole comment, and it probably is, but can you really blame me for thinking like that? I mean, if there were decent, memorable songs on this motherfucker, I’d be the first one to bend over (danger, Will Robinson!), but that’s not the case. At all. At fucking all.

Anyway, after “War” finally ends, comes “Sands of Time”, which is not that Prince of Persia game. It’s, you guessed it, another acoustic and very short passage. It bewilders me how good these actually are and how they’re just “fillers” when you think about it. I think it’s the first time in the history of mankind where an album has better fillers than actual songs. What the flying fuck is wrong with these Brits.

“Pestilence and Plague”. Although it has atrocious keyboards, the guitar riffs are really good. Along with a powerful vocal line, what do you know, there’s actually a good song on this motherfucker. Well, not really good. Not half-assed, at least.

“Death”, which is not the band of deceased people, comes next. Terrible keyboards. I thought Judas Priest had money or something. Is this the best they could come up with? Really? You do know you don’t actually have to hire an entire orchestra these days, we have software that will do just about anything, right? Anyway, the song is slow, “epic”, blah, blah, gonads and strife.

“Peace” is an acoustic passage. Maybe we get a prize if we count how many of those are in the record. Maybe there’s a hidden message. I just don’t know anymore.

“Conquest”, which is not that White Stripes song, which is actually a version of someone I forgot (The White Stripes song, I mean, not the Judas Priest one), is a boring song. That’s about as much as I can tell you.

“Lost Love” is not an acoustic passage! Man, what a plot twist. Almost as good as something in an M. Night Shyamalan movie. Is that how you spell his name? I don’t know, it’s late, I don’t feel like googling it. I have a feeling he won’t be suing us either, so it’s all good. And his movies suck, by the way. Anyway, “Lost Love” is acoustic, just not a passage. Yeah, it’s pretty good. Maybe Judas should release an “Unplugged” cd? It would be better than this steaming pile of turd, I’m sure.

“Persecution”. Christ in Heaven, what did I do to deserve this? It’s a double-CD! A fucking double-CD! It’s just endless, you want it to stop, you think it’s almost ending, but it’s not! There’s still a whole bunch of songs just waiting around the corner. This is just devious. It’s evil. No one should have to endure this. What is wrong with humanity? I’m being unfair with this one track, though. “Persecution” is a really good song. Heavy as fuck. If only everything else sounded this good. If only they took out the keyboards. Ah, one can only dream of greener pastures.

“Solitude”. Heh, I don’t even have to say it, do I? Let’s just move on to “Exiled”. Terribly gay beginning with drums, choirs (which are actually bad keyboards), some mellow vocals. I’m sleepy. My Dying Bride doesn’t make me as sleepy as this.

“Alone” is actually the one song you could really call epic here. It’s slow and builds momentum, but it isn’t boring and features a stunning performance by Halford. Now we’re talking, baby. Well, considering this is the sixteenth track, no, we ain’t talking shit. Too little too late, bitch.

“Shadows in the flame”. Acoustic, keyboards, fairies and pixie dust. Then comes “Visions”, which is not that Stratovarius album. It’s just another boring Judas Priest song. But there’s “Hope”! Can it save us? No, it can’t. It’s just another interlude. Sigh. These guys must really hate their fans as much as Manowar does.

“New Beginnings” is so bad I’m not even going to say anything. It’s like the worst Judas Priest song I have ever heard in my life. Yes, worse than “Turbo Lover”. “Calm Before the Storm”, interlude and I’m continuously amazed at how creative these titles are. It’s mind-boggling. It’s revolution, if you think about it. These guys are revolutionizing metal. Scratch that, music! Music everywhere!

“Nostradamus”, hey, title-track, something good has to come out of this one. The keyboards in the beginning made my senses fail, as I was confused, not knowing whether to laugh or cringe, so I did both at the same time and pissed my pants as a result. The riffs are great and the vocals are aggressive. This is one ballsy track. Are you fucking kidding me, it takes 22 tortuous tracks to get me here? This is like playing World of Warcraft.

“Future of Mankind” seals it, God knows why they decided to put this in here, as after “Nostradamus” you’re so pissed off you can’t really listen to anything else.

Judas Priest is legendary. “Screaming for Vengeance”. “British Steel”. “Stained Class”. “Painkiller”. It’s just one classic after another. But ever since that last one, creativity was lost. The Ripper years and now these two albums of the reunited line-up. Pile it all up and throw in the dumpster. This is actually worse than “Angel of Retribution”, which had some 4 good songs on it. This one has three, and some nice interludes which don’t really amount to anything.

This album is pretentious, boring, uninspired, atrocious, malicious, shit infested and gay. Just criminal.

I will, to be honest, highlight the good: Rob Halford. His vocals are really good in this. Versatile, tight, in tune. Yeah, that’s it. Call it a day, fellas. For God’s sake. Have mercy on our souls.

The cover: My brain hurts.

3 somewhere in dreamland, a kitten has died out of 10.

Information
Released: 2008
Label: Sony
Website: www.judaspriest.com
Band
Rob Halford: vocals
K.K. Downing: guitar, backing vocals
Glenn Tipton: guitar, keyboards, backing vocals
Ian Hill: bass
Scott Travis: drums, percussion

Tracklist
Disc 1
01. Dawn of Creation
02. Prophecy
03. Awakening
04. Revelations
05. The Four Horsemen
06. War
07. Sands of Time
08. Pestilence and Plague
09. Death
10. Peace
11. Conquest
12. Lost Love
13. Persecution
Disc 2
01. Solitude
02. Exiled
03. Alone
04. Shadows in the Flame
05. Visions
06. Hope
07. New Beginnings
08. Calm Before the Storm
09. Nostradamus
10. Future of Mankind

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